Sour Grape

So I have never really had a bad experience with a doctor. I have had family members that have been unhappy with their care but I guess I have been lucky...until now. So my numbers were still playing the rollercoaster game, it wasn't as bad but things still were not stable and where they should be so my doc told me it was time to go see the endocrinologist. Ok, I figured that someone who specializes in that field would be able to give me some better insight or some tips on new things to try to better manage things, etc. This is something my doctor does constantly, and while I know that she knows the basics about diabetes I trust her, as well as the dietician who is diabetic herself. So how would I imagine anything but the care that I have recieved so far? Well to make a long story short this what the old ass guy that I saw told me today "we are going to cut your insulin in half and then you need to join weight watchers" that was pretty much it. I cculdn't believe that I paid him to tell me that because that was something that has been on my mind constantly! He also told me that I would just have to live with higher blood sugar numbers for a while while I worked on getting the weight off. Well, I must conclude that HE IS NOT DIABETIC. Does he know what seeing high numbers can do to someone physically and emotionally when they are truly trying to lose weight and stick to a strict diet to help control their disease?

He must not...there have been days when i feel like saying "screw it, maybe I will just live with my diabetes out of control...i'll be much happier" just because I see a number that isn't in range. Thing of studying day and night, giving up time with family and friends and just commiting yourself to your books and notes and then you end up getting a D or an F on that assignment you were working on...how would that feel? That would be enought to put a lot of people over the edge. I walked out of that office feeling so defeated, feeling like all the work that I had done this past year he took and threw it in the garbage disposal becuase it wasn't enough. I was crushed because all the encouragement that I have been getting so far was thrown out the window and definitley not there. He wants me to make a group follow up appt in two weeks, so i made it, but am now thinking about canceling and trying to get in with someone in my usual Fremont location. I just don't know what to do anymore...and what's funnier was when I asked about the possible financial toll that would take he told me to do it anyway, said maybe just a week and then "a lot of people try to do it on their own but I don't think that is possible, you need to join". I wonder if he is getting a cut from them to get his patients to use their services (nothing against weight watchers by the way, i know they are a good program but i was hoping to get different advice from a specialist). Well guess i will put in a call to my nutritionist and doctor and get second opinions from them and maybe try to see the endo in the fremont location.

The roller coaster

I have slowly been learning just how much life is like a roller coaster. Well, at least it is for me when it comes to blood sugar. I finally thought I had things under control. I was very strict with my diet and things were looking good. My numbers were in range and I was excited to for the first time in a year I was under control. Well, at least that's what I thought. After a few days things shot back up and haven't come back down yet. I have an appoitment with the doctor for tomorrow. I am on the verge of having to give myself two shots at night because the syringes only go to 30 units. The most frustrating thing is that I have been very strict today as well, but am still running high. What else do I do? Hopefully the doctor will have some answers for me and I will finally get things leveled out for good.

Numbers

I was put on Insulin about a month ago. It wasn't until about two weeks ago that I was trained on how to increase my dosage. My specialist said she thought it would take about two weeks for me to find the right amount of insulin each night. Well, it has been two weeks and a few days after I started increasing my dose my numbers went wacky. They sky rocketed and have not come down since. This is due to my seasonal allergies. I can't believe how much my readings can change. I understand why this is happening, however here is the hard part. When I see my numbers running high it makes me not want to eat, and when I do eat i try not to eat any carbs. This is throwing off the nutrition values of my meals. At this moment I feel like a prisoner. It honestly makes me want go and get some donuts and just have a sugar fest. Sometimes my mind goes into this mode of "well if I can't control it anyway then why should I try?" I know that this is the completley wrong way of thinking, but I just can't help it. We will see what happens tomorrow and if numbers don't start to go down that it will be off to the doctor I go.

The beginning

I have decided to start this blog to help me deal with living with diabetes. I have realized that my husband and close friends have to deal with my rambling at times just so I can get things off my chest. While I have been told that they don't mind I thought it would be a good idea to have another place to express my feelings to help me deal with them. I have had diabetes for a year now (well at least have known that I have been diabetic for a year). I'm guessing that I had it for about 5-10 years without knowing. I have now made it my mission to make sure that I get things under control and take advice from my healthcare professionals seriously. Due to the fact that I am taking things seriously and trying to stick to a food and exercise plan that has been mapped out for me I find that the numbers don't always show my efforts. I have found myself in my husband's shoulder sobbing because I can not figure out why my numbers aren't going down. A lot of people think that diabetes is just a condition where you can't have sugar...big deal right? Wrong! I used to be one of those people that thought that way. I never had the best examples of how to take care of diabetes as well. This is a disease that changes your life, and not only changes, but at times controls it as well. There are times, such as now, where I feel I have lost control of my body. Feel free to follow along as I learn the journey ahead and how to live my life withought feeling as though I have lost control. If anyone has experiences they would like to share, please do. I just need a place to let things off my mind.